Musician, Performer, Writer, Aspiring Photographer
Still a work in progress:
Virgins to pain, pilgrims to suffering
Settlers of violence,
we’ve all staked our claim
decided what we’ll take or give
covertly, injecting our poison
each with its own flavor
There are ravens that stand guard at the entrance to my underworld
Their patent feathers shining brightly to protect from invaders
Holding the cleaned bones of their victims as weapons
A mean, cold glare reflecting their countenance
Visitors attempt to sneak a peek at what awaits on the other side,
the glowing orb of my emotions swirling encased behind the iron gates,
but they fall victim to the ravens might.
They have built their nest in the darkness with no plans for a move.
“I hate that word! It’s a RETURN!”
So I have decided that no matter what I have to do, I am going to work in the music/arts industry. If that means I have to be a janitor at the concert hall in Frisco. I have spent to much of my life not doing what I love, not supporting what I love. So I am not going to do that anymore.
Now I have to figure out how to make this happen. This will require courage, a lot of doing things uncomfortable, and applying for things even though I might feel confident about my own abilities yet. I’m confident though that should just one person give me the chance to learn and grow with them that I will not let them down.
The last two or three weeks has been an emotional roller coaster for sure. I have been in the very depths and at the very heights. But I have returned with a renewed confidence that I have not had in years. I, in fact, have not felt this confident since I got my scholarship notification to Oklahoma City University. It is a good feeling, and people have noticed, saying you look different, or you look good and even you have a new glow about you.
So I say watch out world. I may be 36 but I feel 22 again!!
A good quote was forwarded to me today. It is very fitting to my life right now:
“While my thinking believing in your greatness can help.
It is your own thinking and belief in your potential that is required!
Your life will get better when you do.”
I don’t know why it is… what the reasoning behind it is… If there is just some cosmic dark cloud that moves around… or if *insert high being of your choice here* ( I personally call him God)… or if God just goes on vacation and lets Satan run amuk for a while or what. I am really now sure what it is… but I know it sucks whatever this is. So the old cliche “when it rains it pours” though cliche… really is true.
First, my job was just getting to me more and more. It was a place I had to go and when I did go there was such a feeling to it that most of the days I just felt sick. Then one day I go and they tell me that our jobs are going to be outsourced to India. India of all places. A place I’ve been fascinated with for a long time. A place that is not America but I’ll get to that in a minute.
My first thought when I was told was… HOOORRAAYYYYYY!!!!!! YES I’M OUTTA HERE!!!! … Then, I started to think of the economy here in America and my thought is was “if we are in a recession doesn’t outsourcing jobs to another country make this worse?” So, Blockbuster is now responsible for making the recession worse… and they still want me to help them through this transition and shop in their stores? I think not. And now over the last couple of weeks I’ve gone through just about every thought and emotion you can think of. It has been quite draining. My biggest concern now is what do I do next?
There are so many things that I want to do. Music of course, Photography, and I’d even like to do some charity work. Did you see a common thread in those choices? Like the lack of money involved? Yes all of those things take years to develop and my problem is I have bills and I like to eat (too much but you know). So I’m not going to worry about any of it anymore. I’ve done that now. I’m going to leave it to God and the universe to sort out. I’ve grown weary.
So you’d think that was it… but no… There is much more to the dark cloud hanging over. Each event after seemingly another attempt at some dark cosmic force attempting to ruin my self esteem even more than it is… sometimes succeeding, sometimes not. I am writing this today to tell it all to stop. Officially, evil forces STOP. Right now. Just stop.
Ok I feel better already.
So, I went to see the new ENT today. I like a doctor that will take his time and listen to what you are saying and actually try to help you instead of throwing things at you and trying to rush you out. He believes I have Allergic Vertigo. Basically, my allergies are so out of control that they are causing havoc on my body. Sounds feasible. So try that allergy meds and keep doing the other stuff. He also said I should take the reflux meds a while longer. I really hope this works this time. I’m at my wits end.
hahaha
Internet Movie Database
Yes folks that’s me…. woot.
So, I lost everything in my last site, and I kind of took it as a sign from God to get on with life. So I’m starting over. Starting today. New stuff, new look, new feel, new everything.